If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
