Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
