you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
