What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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