After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
