All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
