Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
