Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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