Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
