it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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