they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
