took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
