I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
