I faked an abortion last night.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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