I want to make a zoo with you.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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