I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
