there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
