I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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