Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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