Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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