god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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