I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize