I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
