My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
