i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
