I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
North Korea, Best Korea!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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