Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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