Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
operation harelip BJ is a go
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
