do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
