Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
