You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
do herpes really smell.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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