i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
