Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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