Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
