I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
