You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Randomize
