Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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