Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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