The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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