Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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