Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
