I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
