My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
