Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
