She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
