alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
