I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize