I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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