I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
