Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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