Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sorry my hands just texted you
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
