the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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