Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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