she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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