Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
