They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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