I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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