Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
