Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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